United States Department of Workplace Activities
United States Department of Workplace Activities
To promote workplace activities that sustain morale, maximize operational efficiency, and guarantee employer profitability through the diligent compliance of the workforce, while maintaining the minimal safety oversight necessary to limit liability.
Collected from worker wages to ensure sufficient compensation for corporate leadership.
Successfully placed into job programs at the lowest federally permissible wage.
The current ratio of CEO pay to worker pay — a reasonable and sustainable equilibrium.¹
Average annual compensation for CEOs at America's 350 largest firms. Average worker pay: $35,570.²
The Starbucks CEO-to-worker pay ratio in 2024 — the highest recorded among S&P 500 companies.³
The increase in CEO compensation since 1978. Worker pay over the same period: 26%.⁴
Spent on stock buybacks by America's 100 largest low-wage employers between 2019 and 2024.⁵
Administered in lieu of raises since 2009.
Nearly 40% of American workers are happy with some aspects of their employment.⁶
As Associate Director of Compliance & Procedural Efficiency, Dom Portwood is committed to ensuring that every policy, regulation, and obscure subsection of the employee handbook is enforced — whether it makes sense or not. With a keen eye for detail, Dom takes pride in maintaining workplace synergy through excessive documentation and strategically vague memos. Known for his ability to deliver bad news with a reassuring nod, Dom excels at making every directive sound like a gentle suggestion — until it isn't. His contributions to DOWPA include the Cubicle Air Quality Monitoring Initiative and the "Friendly" Reminder Email Policy, ensuring that employees always feel just enough pressure to comply.
As Director of Documentation, Bill Lumbergh brings his signature level of enthusiasm and micromanagement to ensuring that every TPS report, memo, and compliance form is accounted for, preferably with the correct cover sheet. With years of experience in leadership, Bill specializes in optimizing workflows through bureaucracy, redundancies, and of course, mandatory Saturday meetings. Under his direction, DOWPA has pioneered such innovations as the Multi-Tiered Approval Process for Stapler Requests. While his door is always open (as long as you file a Meeting Initiation Request Form (MIR-9) in advance), employees are strongly encouraged to just go ahead and come in on Sunday, too. That'd be great.
Statistics cited are sourced from publicly available research and are presented here without shame because the people responsible for them have none. The Department of Workplace Activities is not affiliated with the U.S. Department of Labor or any U.S. Government entity.
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